


Reconditioning

by Nellblazer



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Brainwashing, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Conditioning, Enhanced Reader, F/M, Hydra (Marvel), Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Protective Bucky Barnes, Soldiers, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 16:56:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20138845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nellblazer/pseuds/Nellblazer
Summary: After regaining your memories, you attempt to flee from the Winter Soldier program but the Asset is not far behind you.*Please do not replicate my work without my express permission*





	Reconditioning

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: “Remember who is in control right now”
> 
> Warnings: Violence, Angst
> 
> Notes: For @wxntersoldiers‘s 5k challenge! Go give your congrats!
> 
> (Possible proof reading errors)

“LET ME GO!” you scream, fighting against the grip of the Winter Soldier.

“No,” he says blankly.

“GET OFF ME!”

He says nothing further, dragging you back through the snow, the cold insidious against the thin tank top and shorts you had on.

You knew you wouldn’t get far but you’d hoped at least to die in the tundra rather than in the labs built into the mountains. Better to die remembering who you were again.

“Please,” you revert to begging, trying to unhook his fingers from your top. “Please don’t take me back there. I can’t lose myself again. I can’t!”

“Be quiet,” he says roughly.

“PLEASE!” you’re screaming, struggling harder than ever. “I can’t go in that chair! I-”

“QUIET!” he barks. “Experiment 36, you need to be reconditioned.”

You manage to scramble to your feet, your legs burning from where you’d scraped across the ground. You grab the branches of a nearby tree, wrapping your calves around it so he has to start yanking at your arms.

“This is childish. Enough,” The Winter Soldier growls but you cling on. “You know it has to happen so stop fighting it, Experiment 36.”

“That’s not my name!” you yell. “My name is-”

“-It doesn’t matter. Your old life is dead. All of the Winter Soldiers are the same.”

“Even you?”

He pauses for a moment and you see actual life flicker behind his eyes for once. They light up with anguish, pain and a haunted look before settling into that blank status quo you know so well.

“Not me.”

“That’s a lie.”

“We’re not doing this. Let go of the branch or I’ll break your legs, 36.”

Reluctantly you let go and he grabs you quickly by the legs and throws you over his shoulder, pinning you there in the crook of his elbow.

It’s not worth struggling any more. You’ve lost. Everything that is you is going to be erased again.

It’s humiliating being carried through the facility like this. You can see all the other soldiers sneering with disgust at your escape attempt and the anger of the generals looking at their disobedient project.

“Very good. She’s returned unharmed?” General Kiryanov asks.

“Unharmed,” the Winter Soldier confirms. “Where shall I place her?”

“The Chair room. I’ll deal with her later. Keep her contained for now. I think we’ll be administering double the dose of training. The spirit is still unbroken.”

“I can help with that.”

“Do what you need to but keep the body whole. Understood?”

“Understood.”

You just hang there limply from his rigid grasp as he walks down towards _that_ room, his heavy boots clunking on the metal gangway, announcing the end of your hope.

When he gets in the room, he locks the door with a keycode you don’t have time to see before unceremoniously dumping you on the floor.

“Hey!” you protest. “Asshole!”

“He’s right. You have too much spirit,” he says coldly. “Get in the Chair.”

“No,” you shake your head violently. “I’m not going back in that thing.”

“Oh yes you are or-”

“You’ll kill me? Good. Do it,” you stand up, trying to maintain some dignity. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my days forgetting who I am.”

He sighs heavily, coming up close so he’s almost nose to nose with you, “36, you’re being difficult. The Chair can help with that feeling of emptiness.”

“The Chair strips everything away until I _am_ empty,” you fire back. “Who the hell were _you_ before you came here anyway? Who was your mother? Who was your father? Did you live in a house or an apartment? Did you have pets? What’s even your favourite colour?”

“It’s not important to know those things.”

“You don’t even have a favourite colour? Jesus,” you laugh bitterly. “You’re damaged. You’re not even a human any more. You’re just a walking stand for guns. A soulless piece of shit.”

“Blue. It’s blue.”

The voice is a lot quieter than you expect and when you look up at him, there’s the same life back in his eyes.

“I liked the colour of the sky at the height of the day,” he continues.

“Wait a minute,” you point at him. “You remember some of your old life! You’ve been hiding it!”

“And when you get reconditioned, you’ll forget I ever told you.”

“Tell me more, please,” you implore him. “It’s just good knowing not everyone here is blank.”

He stares at you for a moment as if considering before looking down, his hair curtaining his face.

“I think my name was Bucky. I think I lived in America. My best friend was blond. That’s all I remember.”

“Hi Bucky,” you say softly. “If you’re starting to remember, why do you still stay here? Why do you let them torture you, torture us?”

“I can’t leave,” he says, pushing his hair back. “I’ve tried before. They find me. I need to wait for the right moment. For now, I’m doing everything just to appear compliant, sometimes I am naturally compliant. I feel like two different people.”

“Then don’t do this to me, please. I’m begging you,” you touch his arm and he jerks back like you’ve scalded him, backhanding you across the face.

You’ve had enough of the serum to be able to withstand his attack but it still hurts and you’re still shocked by it.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” he growls. “You’re _nothing_ to me. You’re just Experiment 36. Now sit in the fucking chair.”

He grabs you by the root of your hair and marches you over to the torturous contraption, throwing you into it and shackling your arms into place.

“Bucky! Bucky listen to me! Don’t do to me what they did to you! I have a family!” you panic.

“No that’s not possible,” he shakes his head. “All families of Experiments are terminated to ensure no weaknesses.”

“Not mine,” you hurriedly blurt out. “I hid them. A contact I know forged their death certificates for a road accident. My mom, my dad, my little brother-”

“Impossible!” he roars in your face. “Stop lying to me! I’m not letting you out!”

“-my little sister,” you continue. “She’d be twelve now. I think she would be anyway. I have no idea what year it is any more. Fuck, what if she’s all grown up now? What if I missed that?”

The Winter Soldier drops to his haunches in front of you, studying your face, “You’re telling the truth. In that case you’re an idiot. They will find them eventually.”

“I’m strong enough now to take care of them,” you fire back.

“Not against me, you weren’t,” he says bluntly. “In combat training you’re always too merciful. You’d die easily against the Winter Soldiers.”

“At least I’d die as me.”

“Alright, you’ve tried fighting, running away, begging, playing the emotional guilt card…so what now? Sexual favours?” he rolls his eyes.

“No,” you fix him with a steely-eyed glare.

“Good, because we’ve fucked before so it’s nothing new to me.”

“What?!” you blink. “When?! I don’t remember!”

You try to rack your brains but your time as 36 is hard to hold onto. The memories keep slipping away.

He says nothing but starts moving the equipment into place. It’s hopeless trying to struggle against the bonds. They’re designed to take the strength of an enhanced human.

“What triggered it?” he asks unexpectedly, whilst he’s adjusting dials.

“What triggered what?”

“The memory recall.”

“One of the scientists,” you lean back in the Chair, head cocooned in the head rest. “He was singing a song I used to like.”

“What was it?”

“What’s the point in asking?”

“I’m not asking. It wasn’t an optional question.”

“It was Free Bird,” you sigh. “My dad used to play it on long road trips.”

“I’ll make a note for the team to avoid singing it in future,” he writes down, the handwriting in big looping script that seemed a little too archaic for someone like him.

“Are you from a rich family?” you ask.

“What?” he sounds almost bored now.

“You write like a rich boy, like someone taught you penmanship,” you explain.

He looks down at his own writing before pulling other papers towards him, trying to compare. His face screws up in pain before grabbing his temple.

“Oh God!” he cries out, his accent switching a little.

“You remember more, don’t you?”

“I….I learned how to write well before I joined the army,” he shakes his head.

A knock at the door makes you jump and the Winter Soldier stands ram rod straight before shooting you a look.

“Not a word or I’ll find your family, alright?”

You nod quickly as he goes to open the door and General Kiryanov enters, looking at your captured state.

“Report,” he says dismissively.

“Less resistance, more compliant. She’s ready for the Chair,” the Winter Soldier says blankly.

“No I am not!” you yell, struggling. “Let me go, you fucking animals!”

“Contain her,” the General sneers. “I don’t approve of her language.”

Within seconds, you’re backhanded again by the Winter Soldier and your ears are ringing. Your head is rocked so violently that you’re sure if you were a normal human, he could’ve snapped your spinal column with the force.

“**Remember who’s in control right now**, 36,” he says quietly.

“Make her apologise for her filthy mouth,” the General continues, leaning down towards you.

“Apologise, 36.”

With how he’s set back, the Winter Soldier is out of the General’s eyeline and you see the minutest wink that you’re almost not sure you saw.

“I’m…I’m sorry,” you hang your head, hoping this will all be over soon.

“Good,” the General grabs you by the chin and forces you to look into his watery pale eyes. “Get me my soldier back. I have a mission ready for her. Her seduction skills will be incredibly useful. I trust you remember how to use this machine?”

The Winter Soldiers nods.

“Excellent. Report to me in an hour,” he says before leaving. “I’ll check her progress then.”

You just stare at the Winter Soldier, wondering what was going to happen next. That small act of defiance, if you didn’t imagine it, might mean your brain doesn’t get zapped with mains voltage.

“I’ll get you as far as Washington DC and then you have to do the rest,” he says after a long pause.

He comes over, unshackling you and helping you stand up. There’s a tiny moment where he rubs the indentations on your wrists to help the blood flow and then he quickly jerks his arms away.

“Why?” you manage. “Why help me?”

“Because you’re stupid enough to hide your family. You still care about things. You’re not built for this program. You’re too emotionally weak. I’m doing you a favour.”

“Sure that’s all this is?” you raise an eyebrow.

“What else would it be, 36?” he approaches you, towering over your frame. “You think I like you?”

“Well obviously you must do to have slept with me,” you retort.

“That….that was just to throw you off guard, make you shut up,” he admits. “We’ve never been intimate.”

“Oh.”

“Not that you’re not….”

“I’m not?”

“You were selected for your attractiveness after all.”

“Are you blushing?” you laugh and he hides his face for a moment behind his hair.

“Do you want me to help you or do you want the Chair?” he says moodily.

You hesitantly hover your hand over his shoulder, waiting for him to back away but he doesn’t. You squeeze him lightly and he turns to look at you with so much sadness in his eyes.

“Nobody’s touched you like this in years, have they?” you ask quietly.

He shakes his head, “Not like this. Not without….intention. We don’t have time to debate it though. We need to go. Walk like a soldier.”

He opens the door and you walk in step behind him, head held straight and eyes ahead. You never falter.

When he approaches one of the other generals, you wait with your hands behind your back, hoping your Winter Soldier self did this too.

“36, fall out,” the Winter Soldier barks. “Get your equipment. We’re on a mission now.”

Something of your conditioning must still remain because you automatically made for a room that, when you opened it, appeared to have been yours.

You grabbed fresh underclothes, the tactical gear and the rebreather mask to hide your face. Finally you pulled the rifle from the wall, hoping you wouldn’t have to use it.

A knock at the door signals your time is up and you exit, following the Winter Soldier through the winding halls and back out towards the blizzard outside. 

You briefly wondered how you thought you had a chance of surviving in conditions like this earlier.

“Are you ready?” he asks.

“Yes. Take me home.”

**

In the streets of Washington, Bucky, as you insisted on calling him, had broken into an unused apartment.

“You can stay here until you make a break for your family,” he says, checking the windows. “I’ll need to justify my presence here before going back.”

“You mean…killing someone?”

“You didn’t think it would be this easy, did you?” he purses his lips bitterly. “There’s still a price to pay.”

“You could just disappear.”

“You know I can’t. I’m the Asset. I’m too high profile.”

“No, you’re Bucky. You told me so,” you argue. “Escape with me, please.”

“36, I……”

“_Please_.”

He searches your face for a moment before surprising you by reaching out his hand to touch your cheek.

“It’s a lot softer than I was expecting,” he says quietly. “You really weren’t meant for my life.”

“Bucky-”

He leans down and meets you in a gentle kiss. You didn’t even think he _could_ be gentle.

“36, if we do this, we’ll always be on the run. Everywhere we go, they’ll come after us. Your family will always be in danger.”

“I know. It’s just not fair. You should be free as well.”

He takes a deep breath, thinking hard, “I need to go Brooklyn first.”

“Brooklyn?”

“There’s something there, something of my old life. I know there is. Maybe it can help me remember who I am.”

“Okay, then we’ll go to New York and then we’ll go off grid. Together.”

“Together,” he kisses your forehead before stealing another kiss from your lips. “Tell me your real name. 36 should be left with Hydra.”

“My name is-”

But you don’t get the chance to finish the sentence. The door is kicked open and the other Winter Soldiers stream through the entrance. They must have worked out the mission was a ruse.

“Go!” Bucky yells to you, shoving you towards the window. “I’ll hold them off!”

“Not without you!” you try to grab him but he bodily pushes you away.

“Go live a life! I’ll find you again someday, I swear it!” he tells you before kicking you through the glass where you fall three stories down onto some dumped mattresses outside the apartment block.

You don’t have time to think, you don’t have time to go back for him. You have to run.

As you speed through the backalleys, you glance back for just a second, only to see a glimpse of Bucky at the window before he’s pulled back and out of sight violently.

He’d sacrificed himself for you, sentenced himself to further reconditioning and you wouldn’t let it be in vain. You’d get your family and you’d disappear. Hydra did not own your life any more.

The Winter Soldier had given you back your freedom, your control.

He’d saved you and one day, you swore you’d do the same for him.


End file.
